I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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