from now on my penis is your penis
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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