Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
