god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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