Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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