Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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