Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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