I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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