Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
