I hate your face
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
