I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
