I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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