dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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