cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
