I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
