I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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