I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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