you would pick up someone in the library
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
