I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
