just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize