Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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