I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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