$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
he wants to bone in the snuggie
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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