Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
