I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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