I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
