You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
