On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
