ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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