i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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