i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So. Much. Porn.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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