oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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