Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
