After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
