you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
