Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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