Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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