So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
