My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
