i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
