I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
