if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
