I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
