you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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