i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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