he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
