i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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