I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I don't deserve a penis
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I deserve this hangover.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
