There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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