we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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