I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
