Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
