It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
