Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
