If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize