You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
