i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
