Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
