tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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