I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize